There are two things I want to say. Firstly, for me Facebook is light entertainment and in that respect it has recently been very entertaining. Secondly, that the act of giving is a personal choice, that charity is not compulsory, because otherwise I feel it is taxation. I want to donate money precisely because I do not have to, so that I might feel charitable. This could be argued as a somewhat selfish or even sociopathic view on the general nature of charity, and anyone wishing to present their case should do so in the form of a newsletter, to which I will subscribe.

Whilst I can’t deny that a viral campaign is a great way to raise the profile of your charity of choice. I think there is only so much charity to go around. I got nominated for the ice bucket challenge and for the last 3 days I have considered how I remain true to my beliefs about charity. I hate that we are marketed to every second of every day, that we are told what say, or do or think. That the temptation to read the book prevents you from writing your own story. I don’t like that giving money to ALS is being pitched at me like that. I don’t mind that my day is interrupted or that I am made to think about this, or shown videos. I will watch, I will be educated. Footage of the condition is shocking, debilitating and graphic. An excellent candidate for charity, people can feel good that they have given to this cause. People can feel good about giving to any charity. Particularly if they have a connection. It feels like you are making your corner of the world better when you support the struggle of someone connected. Such a vivid struggle as ALS is definitely easy to get behind, and as cynical as I am about how the challenge is pitched, I can’t deny its efficacy.

It’s a tough one for many other charities though. Or any organisation that relies on charitable donations. Or in fact anyone or anything that relies on good intentions, personal effort, love, karma or any other effort to help overcome whatever challenge that they are standing for. ALS makes everyone else’s struggle seem so inferior! Especially once you move away from obvious good causes and into the realms of less photogenic causes. You can’t get a good video of the anxiety and depression a functional alcoholic feels. Outwardly they look fine, perhaps a bit more quiet than usual today, even though inside their world is collapsing around them and of course, they brought it on themselves too. Organisations exist for people that face these struggles, but the personal struggle of alcoholism is categorised quite differently to the unfortunate hand dealt to people who through no fault of their own end up with ALS.

The common theme is that everyone struggles. I see this as an echo of one of the most interesting characteristics of life. The fact that life exists at all when in fact it should be virtually impossible.

The subsequent evolution of life, outlandishly improbable, occurred. I think this is no accident, the tenacity of life compels it. Your life, and mine echo’s with the idea that we overcome odds. It speaks to the quantum nature of the universe itself. Unobserved the quantum model is a probabilistic continuum. Life collapses the probabilistic function. To live is to realise what is possible, probable and improbable. Our living energy affects probabilistic outcomes. To be alive is to exert a force on probabilistic universe such that you bend outcomes to your will. Sometimes the outcome is so likely to be one thing that it requires superhuman effort to effect a different one. It’s these edge cases where real struggle lies. Having ALS pushes you down a road from which you cannot deviate no matter the effort. This is horrible bad luck. I feel one of the hardest things to accept is that sometimes its just luck. Either good luck that your probable path can be influenced, or bad luck that your probable path is so tightly bound by its starting conditions. Acceptance is likely the biggest struggle for those with ALS and I truly hope that those suffering might find some. It may not give them answers, but it may help spiritually.

I’m hugely lucky that my struggle is so inferior. I’m lucky that in so many ways my life is free from struggle. Probabilistic outcomes are lined up in such a way that its very likely that very many of my basic needs will be catered to with very little further effort from me to bend the universe to my will.

I have food and water, a place to sleep, good health, education, gainful employment. The effort expended in setting a course for these things at some point in time earlier means that the waves that have been set up will likely sweep me along in the right general direction for a long time. I am lucky insomuch as probability is on my side.

So I have all this spare ‘life’ to use. I can’t donate that. Morally I feel that given this fortunate circumstance, I ought not to squander it.

I have living energy that I can expend on affecting probable outcomes. The subject matter upon which I expend this energy is my struggle. I spend some on maintaining course, ensuring my basic human needs are met now, and in the future. I am lucky that I still have spare left over. Lots of people need to spend every ounce they have on just keeping that stuff going.

So it leaves my struggle. My struggle is not shocking or graphic, or debilitating. It is personal, and to me it is important. Right now it is to try and be true to myself.

For many years I allowed myself to be told what to say, to do, to think. I was young and foolish and my own choices were often bad. This became conforming, becoming so dependant on the acceptance of others that I lost who I was. I became a servant to perceived expectation. A truly insurmountable struggle by way of not being possible to satisfy two opposing expectations.

It seemed easier though, it also shook off accountability. Allowed me to fail safely, where before I was crushed by my own shortcomings now I was no longer responsible. Yet I failed to realise, whoever I was supposedly satisfying, it was me that was driving.

Which brings me to the ice bucket challenge. Do I satisfy the crowd, or a do what I believe?

Perhaps unsurprisingly I choose the latter. People who don’t accept my reasons will think I am monster. My social status will take the hit, serving as a shield to my identity. For me though, it is by protecting this identity that it can drive me to much greater things. Being principled is what continues to help me to develop my own new found identity, where before I bumbled through life doing what I thought was expected.

Years ago as a child I buried my own identity at the bottom of my mind and acted instead based according to the voices and reasons of those people around me friends, teachers, parents. In the absence of my own thoughts, my mind was filled with those of others, I listened to all. In addition to this I read widely, anyone’s opinion was valid as I had none of my own upon which I might form the basis of a rejection. Over the years people provided a rich compost in my mind, in which my own identity flourished. Still hidden from me. When finally I discovered myself years later it was well established. I had opinions of my own, yet they did not feel dogmatic for they had been formed from reconciling the opposing beliefs of others. It felt the more I learned the more I realised it was impossible ‘know’ anything for sure. In some matters I that I held no opinion wither way, I would actively argue that neither was the case. Whereas before I would have deferred to either given a half decent argument.

Where once one was, to the dismay of parents and teachers, easily led. So now one is, to their credit, considered open minded. This is important, because although I now act on my own strong beliefs, it would be foolish not to keep my identity nourished by continuing to fee it the thoughts and ideas of others.

So on this issue, I will remain true to what I believe, I will give to charity when I choose. I will give the charity I wish to. I will give in the way I feel to best. I will also feel confident that my choice will be a good one, and that any charitable act will be a gift from me to the receiver. I will not ask for recognition or seek approval, and I will not compel others to give.

Most important of all though, for anyone that has taken part and may subsequently do so, regardless of what my decision is, I thoroughly support yours. You should all be proud of the support you have shown for the charity, the money you have donated and the entertainment you have provided. The world always benefits from happiness, love and community. I think it also doesn’t hurt to thrown in a bit of honesty too. In that respect, this is my contribution.